The Sunrise Doesn't Wait

At my husband's book launch, the young woman beside me leaned in close. "Are you a fan of Professor Gyver too? I don't think I've seen you here before." Julian and I had kept our marriage private, so I shook my head. "I was just passing by. It sounded lively in here, so I came in to look." She noticed the white cane by my feet, and understood at once. Onstage, the host asked Julian where the book had come from. He looked toward my side of the room, and his voice went soft. "I promised the person I love that we'd watch a sunrise together. It never happened, for various reasons. So I wrote the regret into the book." When it ended, applause filled the hall. The girl beside me went bounding up and threw herself into his arms. "Professor! The book's out. When are you taking me to see that sunrise you promised?" My smile froze on my face. The sunrise was mine. It had always been Julian's promise to me. Julian ruffled her hair, helpless, let his eyes sweep past me from across the room, then took her hand and left. He didn't know I could see again. That was the only reason I'd come. To tell him that the sunrise we'd waited so long for was finally ours to watch. He'd always said the auditorium was too crowded, that he couldn't find me. So I'd wait alone until every light went out, then leave with my cane. He could find me. That was never the problem. He just wanted a different girl beside him when the lights were on him. I dropped the plane tickets I'd bought for him into the trash. The sunrise doesn't wait. Neither do I. Chapter 1 I stayed in my seat until the last light in the auditorium went out. Only then did I come back to myself. In the dark, I pulled up a bitter smile. Habit was a terrible thing. A click, and the lights came back on. One of the student volunteers hurried over. "Ma'am, I'm sorry. I thought everyone had gone." I smiled and told him it was fine. Then something seemed to occur to him. "I feel like I've seen you before. You're the one who always stays till the end of Professor Gyver's talks, aren't you?" Something turned over in my chest. Even a stranger had noticed. Julian hadn't reacted at all. I nodded and started to leave, but he called after me. "There's a dinner upstairs tonight for the professor. You seem to really love his work. Do you want to come?" I could see now, but everything still swam a little at the edges. I followed him up to the second floor, cane tapping ahead of me. Toby Reese, according to the name on his lanyard, found me a seat in a corner. When I looked toward the head table, Julian was putting food on a young woman's plate. A little later he raised his glass. "Thank you all for coming. Tonight we're celebrating two things. My new book, and Clara, who landed a tenure-track appointment less than two years out of her doctorate." He turned to her, and his eyes went warm. "Clara. My best student. Congratulations." So that was Clara Bell. Julian used to talk about her all the time. At the beginning he'd only complained. The new grad student had shaky fundamentals, needed hand-holding for everything, kept him revising her drafts until midnight. Now she was his proudest student, standing at his elbow, asking in a teasing lilt when he was going to take her to see the sunrise. They traded shop talk at the head table that I couldn't follow. I smiled at myself. When I asked Julian about work, the most I ever got was "It's fine." With Clara he went back and forth for hours, lit up from the inside. He'd never once looked like that with me. "Ma'am, I'm sorry. I forgot you can't see. Let me put some food on your plate." Toby's voice carried, and heads turned. Julian looked over. Same as before. One glance, then away. He wasn't going to claim me. My hand tightened under the table until my nails bit into my palm. Under the brightest lights sat a matched pair, both brilliant, both admired. I was a blind woman who didn't even have a job. "Professor Gyver, this lady's a real fan of yours. She comes to all your talks, and she always stays till the very end." Clara's face lit up when she saw me. "She was sitting right next to me earlier. She was too shy to tell me she was one of your readers." She fetched a copy of Julian's new book. "Professor, sign it for her." From the corner where I sat, I watched his hands start to shake. He looked at me and found nothing to do with any of it. Every eye in the room was on him. He swallowed whatever was on his face and signed the title page with his pen name. He handed the book to Toby, and Clara made a show of being offended. "Professor, that's so cold. She loves your work. The least you can do is give it to her yourself." Someone nearby asked, curious, "Sorry if this is rude, but with the cane, I'm guessing you can't see. How do you read the professor's books?" I made myself smile. "My husband reads them to me every night." Julian used to dry my hair after my shower, then pick up a book, pull me back against his chest, and read to me in that low voice of his. In the quiet of the night it sounded unbearably gentle. I used to think that was all happiness was. Chapter 2 Clara pestered Julian until he gave in and came over, and he put the book in my hands. He turned to go. I took a breath. "I've followed the professor since nobody knew his name. I'm the one who gave him his pen name." Then I lifted my face and looked him in the eye. The room was loud. Julian gave no sign of hearing me. His body checked for half a second, and then he turned away. I reached out and caught the hem of his jacket. "Professor. I'm still waiting for your answer." Years ago, when I told him how I felt, his ears went scarlet and he couldn't get a word out. I'd held his jacket exactly like this. Julian, I'm still waiting for your answer. And in my head I told him: if you claim me now, I'll forgive you. Julian turned back with a smile that was warm and completely distant. "Oh, it's you. It's been so long it took me a second. I'm sorry. I've got a few more copies in my office. Come with me, I'll get you one." He steered me out. In the lobby I planted my feet and refused to go any farther. His hands closed on my shoulders. "Lena, what's wrong? We agreed—" "That it isn't safe? Julian, are you scared I'm not safe, or are you scared they'll find out the brilliant Professor Gyver has a blind wife he can't put on display?" His brows drew together. "Lena, don't talk about yourself like that. I've never been ashamed of you. But you can't even see where the food is. I don't have anything left over tonight to take care of you with." My throat tightened, and the tears were half a second away. Panic came into his eyes. He wiped them away with his thumb. "Lena, this is work. Clara's my student. Looking after her is my job. Come on. There are too many people here. Let me take you home first." Too many people. It had practically become his catchphrase. "Julian, can we go to the music festival?" "There'll be too many people. You'll get knocked around." "Julian, will you take me to the grocery store?" "It'll be packed. Tell me what you want and I'll bring it back." "Julian, can I be the one who brings you flowers at your launch?" "Lena, that's not really appropriate." Back then I'd still hang off his arm and pout. "You said I'd be the first person to hand you flowers every time you put out a new book." He'd sigh. "There'll be too many people. I'm afraid I won't find you." I thought about our first year together. The amusement park, the parade that swept between us. Within minutes he'd come through that crowd and taken my hand like he'd never lost it. I asked how he'd found me with so many people there. He said when you love someone, that person glows. It doesn't matter where they are in a crowd, you see them first. Lena, I love you. Wherever you are, I'll always find you in one look. I couldn't tell anymore whether he'd stopped loving me, or whether all of that had only ever been a writer being good with words. "Julian, post about me. Right now." His hands went still on my seat belt. "Just say I'm your wife. Then I'll go home without another word." He locked the doors anyway, and tucked my hair behind my ear. "We agreed to keep it quiet. I'm at a critical point in my career, and there's a review coming. Public perception matters right now." "Nobody knows I'm your wife. They're asking whether you're going to marry Clara." He laughed, helpless. "That's just talk at the dinner table. Don't take it seriously." Then his phone lit up. Clara was calling. "Professor, where'd you go? If you don't come back soon, they're going to get me drunk." Her voice came soft and complaining through the speaker. Julian barely thought about it. He put my cane back in my hand. "Lena, she doesn't sound right. I'm going to run up there. Wait in the car." He jogged a few steps, then doubled back and helped me out of the car again. "Actually, I'll probably have to drive her home after. Here's cash. Take a taxi." He pushed a few bills into my hand and left me standing in the middle of an enormous parking garage. Right then, he could forget all over again that I couldn't see. Chapter 3 Not long after, my phone rang. "Lena, did you get a cab? Text me when you're home." Before I could answer he'd hung up. All that came through was one line from the background. "Forfeit is, the professor has to kiss Clara!" A little pouting from her and he'd panicked so completely that he forgot I couldn't see well enough to flag down a car by myself. I opened the little mirror I'd picked up off the passenger seat. There was a photo-booth strip stuck to the glass. Julian and Clara, faces pressed together. I looked at my own face through theirs. Plain, washed out. Nothing like bright, glowing Clara. Julian and I used to promise each other a photo-booth strip on every birthday. It started when we were students. Later he said we were too old for something so childish. Later still he said my eyes couldn't focus for the camera, and he was afraid I wouldn't like how they came out. Now he had a student, and it wasn't childish anymore. I lowered the mirror and walked out of the garage one step at a time. I'd just gotten into a taxi at the curb when Julian came running up, out of breath. "Lena, wait." I ignored him and kept getting in. He blocked the door. Something in me finally snapped. "What do you want? First you won't let me stay, now you won't let me go." "Lena, hold on. Clara's having an allergic reaction. She says everything she ate tonight was food she knows. Did you give her candy?" I had given her two pieces in the auditorium. "I gave her two peanut chews. The kind you love." Something flickered in his eyes. "I've given her peanut candy before... never mind. Just come with me." By the time he got me to the campus medical suite, half of Clara's face was swollen. She'd buried herself under the blanket and was sobbing like her heart was coming apart, and nothing Julian said would bring her out. "My face is ruined. It's those candies." She wept, and he stood at the foot of the bed with nothing to do with his hands. Everyone else turned on me. "Who just hands a stranger food? What is wrong with you?" "If something happens to Clara, are you going to answer for it? That's just cruel." Even Toby, who'd been so kind to me an hour earlier, went cold. "I saw you were blind and sitting by yourself, so I invited you. Clara's the one who asked the professor to sign a book for you. And this is who you are." "I didn't know she'd react to it. I swear I didn't." "Don't bother explaining. Look at her face. You think a couple of words and an apology fixes that? If anything happens to her, you'll be sorry." ... It came at me from every direction. There wasn't a shred of proof, and they'd already decided. Julian didn't so much as look at me. Clara wouldn't go to the hospital, and he paced back and forth, frantic. I'd only seen him that frantic once. That was the night he drove me out to watch the sunrise after going too long without sleep. A car came over the center line, and in the last second he swerved and put my side of the car into it. On the way to the hospital his phone rang. Someone wanted him to sign books. He pulled onto the shoulder and stayed on that call for twenty minutes. In those twenty minutes the blood spread out under me across the passenger seat. I lost the baby at four months, and I lost my sight. The dark had already taken everything before we reached the hospital. The last thing I ever saw was his face, wrecked, smeared with tears. Chapter 4 Julian was still casting around for a solution when he turned and caught sight of me. He grabbed my arm and pushed me toward the bed. "Lena, apologize to Clara. Ask her to let us take her to the hospital." The past came up in my throat and I couldn't breathe around it. He saw my face, and he went down on his knees. "Lena, please. I can't stand listening to her cry." I looked at the man in front of me, and my eyes blurred. Lena, please stay alive. If you make it through this, I'll spend the rest of my life paying you back. The man who'd said that and the man kneeling in front of me slid into each other until they were one. I gagged, shoved him off, and ran. He came after me down the whole corridor, caught my hand, insisted I go back with him. I stopped, and I slapped him as hard as I could. The crack of it emptied the world of sound. He held his cheek and stared at me, confused. "Lena, how did you know the way out here? How did you know where my face was?" "You... you can see?" "When you told me to go find a taxi, why didn't you stop and ask whether I could see the road? Now my hand's landed on your face and it hurts, and suddenly you've got a question." I couldn't hold the anger down and went to hit him again. He caught my wrist and pulled me hard against him. "Lena, this is wonderful. You can see. This is wonderful." His voice shook, like he'd gotten back something he'd given up for lost. And in that second it went through me like broken glass, because I finally heard what was underneath it. Lena, it's crowded out there, and you're blind, and taking you out only embarrasses me. Lena, you're not young anymore, you're not as pretty as you were, I don't want pictures with you. Lena, you can see now. Thank God. I don't have to spend the rest of my life paying for it. ... I opened my mouth and no sound came out. My chest closed until every breath tore. He was still patting my back, delighted. The tears came without warning. I wasn't crying. My body had just stopped taking instructions. The world went quiet again, and two sentences played on a loop. "I'm so sorry. We couldn't save the baby." "I'm sorry. We don't know when the bleeding behind your eyes is going to clear." He took my silence for surrender and kept talking. "Lena, we have to celebrate this properly. But first we've got to get Clara sorted out. Come back in with me, we'll ask her together to go to the hospital. I'll say it gently. I won't put any of it on you. "And then I'll take leave, cancel everything, and we'll go watch the sunrise. All right?" He sounded like a man handed a second life. I laughed at myself instead. He hadn't even noticed that my getting my sight back had to wait its turn behind Clara's allergic reaction. His heart had made its choice a long time ago, without asking him and without asking me. Now it was my turn to choose. I stepped out of his arms and scrubbed my face dry. "Except I don't want to watch it with you anymore." "What?" He looked completely lost. I took a step back and let my voice go colder. "Julian Gyver." "We're done."