Revenge on the Porch Pirate A High-Purine Feast

My neighbor really loved my stuff. Even with his chronic gout, he couldn't stop stealing my food deliveries. He even slandered me in the building's Snapchat group: "Only streetwalkers order takeout every single day!" I smirked, opened up my browser, and started researching a custom diet just for him. "Foods that trigger immediate gout flare-ups." "What causes uric acid levels to skyrocket." Since he wanted to eat my food so badly, I was going to let him feast until he dropped! On the last workday before the long Memorial Day weekend, I ordered spicy cajun crawfish on my way home. The DoorDash driver beat me to my apartment, so I told him to just leave it at my door. A minute later, I stepped out of the elevator, but my porch was completely bare. Looking around, I noticed a trail of spicy sauce dripping on the floor, leading straight to Mrs. Miller's door across the hall. I walked over and knocked, determined to get an answer. A greasy, pimple-faced guy opened the door. Judging by his looks, this had to be Mrs. Miller's grandson, Kevin, who had just moved in. I asked politely, "Excuse me, did you happen to see my delivery?" He waved his hand impatiently. "I’ve been inside all day. Where the hell would I have seen your food?" If it weren't for the sauce on the floor and the grease smeared across his mouth, I might have actually believed him. Before I could say another word, he slammed the door right in my face. I shook my head with a bitter smile. Hunger was making me reckless. If you're going to catch a thief, you need concrete evidence. I had lost deliveries several times already. This porch pirate wasn't picky at all. From seven-dollar boba teas to twenty-dollar pastries, all the way to fifty-dollar seafood boils, he took everything. I hadn't wanted to point fingers without proof before, but today was just too blatant. When I was getting into the elevator downstairs, the driver had just arrived. Between him dropping it off and me stepping off the elevator, barely a minute had passed. Even a trained raccoon couldn't move that fast. Looking back, my deliveries only started disappearing after Kevin moved in. A few days after he arrived, he went totally unhinged in our building's Snapchat group: "Women nowadays don't know how to run a home. Pure gold-digging trash! "Decent women cook their own meals. Only streetwalkers order takeout!" I thought he was just nuts at the time and ignored him. I didn't expect him to escalate, even having the nerve to tag me directly. Of course, I wasn't going to take that lying down! I clapped back immediately: "I know you have zero filter, but try not to let complete garbage spill out of your mouth! "If you love sticking your nose in other people's business so much, why don't you go taste-test the city sewer?" Ever since then, every time Kevin saw me, he looked like he wanted to murder me with his eyes. Starving and exhausted, I whined to my best friend, Chloe, over the phone. She sighed in exasperation. "Are you stupid? Didn't you just install a hidden camera by your door? Check the footage!" I smacked my forehead. Hunger really had made me delirious; I totally forgot about the security cam I had set up precisely because of the thefts. I quickly pulled up the app on my phone. A woman’s intuition is never wrong. The thief was Kevin.In the playback, he crept out of his apartment, snatched my delivery bag, and bolted back inside. In his haste, spicy broth splashed out, leaving a trail on the floor. As he ran, he muttered under his breath: "Seafood boil? This little whore, Stella, must make fast cash spreading her legs to order such expensive food! "Fucking waste of space!" Steam was practically coming out of my ears. Mrs. Miller had always seemed like such a sweet old lady. How could she have such a vile grandson? Hearing me vent, Chloe gave me a look like I was an idiot. "You've never heard the apple doesn't fall far from the tree? "Don't believe me? Keep watching the footage." I was skeptical at first, but the recording slapped me right across the face. Kevin opened his door and snatched my food with practiced ease, while Mrs. Miller stood guard, keeping watch. The sweet, kind grandmother seemed to have completely vanished. Her brow was deeply furrowed, her beady eyes narrowed, and she spat viciously: "Takeout again. Stella is such a useless brat! Whatever family gets stuck with a creature like her is cursed." She then bent down and carefully inspected a potted plant outside my door. "Kevin, sweetie, does this thing need new batteries? If it dies, it won't catch anything." I took a screenshot and zoomed in. An icy chill ran up my spine. The flowerpot had a floral painted design, and right in the stem, a tiny pinhole had been drilled. The hidden lens pointed straight at my front door. That planter was a housewarming gift from Mrs. Miller. I had told her I wasn't great with plants, so she sweetly suggested keeping it in the hallway, promising to water it whenever she had time. Turns out, she had hid a spy camera in it all along. Just then, Kevin cursed, "That bitch is so damn guarded. I already took deposits from people, and a whole bunch of guys in the chat are waiting for clips! "She bundles up like a mummy every time she leaves the house. What is she playing hard to get for?" He turned to Mrs. Miller and snapped, "Didn't you say you gained her trust? Why haven't we made any real progress? "Use your damn brain, get closer to her, and find a way to plant a camera inside her place! "The guys in the group love that innocent look of hers. If we get the good stuff, I'm going to make a fortune selling it." The two whispered by my door for a while longer. It all made sense now. Kevin ran an illicit pay-per-view group chat, making money by sharing hidden-camera footage and voyeuristic photos. Thank God I always dressed modestly when heading out, or his sick scheme would have worked. Their trap was perfectly designed: use a frail, elderly woman to lower the guard of a young woman living alone, pretend to be caring and warm, win her trust, get invited inside, and install surveillance equipment for profit. If it weren't for the stolen food, I never would have realized that sweet old Mrs. Miller was actually a wolf in sheep's clothing. Judging by their seamless coordination, I definitely wasn't their first target. Who knew how many other girls had fallen victim to them? After whispering for a bit, their smug smirks made it clear they were up to no good. Sure enough, they carefully sliced a tiny slit into my welcome mat and shoved another micro-camera inside. They were trying to take upskirt videos.Once they finished, Mrs. Miller affectionately patted Kevin’s head. "My clever boy is so smart. "Stella pretends to be so pure, but I saw right through her. Spending fifty, a hundred bucks on a single meal? She's definitely getting paid by men to do dirty things! "Recording her is practically helping her find more clients! She might even end up thanking us and begging us to film more of her later!" There were only two units on our floor. The camera I had installed was well-hidden, so they hadn't noticed it. Seeing me as an easy mark, they stood right there in the hallway, spewing vile, disgusting slander about me. When the video ended, my blood ran cold. People could truly be this evil. The kindly old neighbor was nothing more than a predatory monster. Fortunately, it wasn't too late. Let's see who breaks first! Early the next morning, Mrs. Miller knocked on my door. The building lobby had already been decorated with Memorial Day banners. Her face was plastered with a grandmotherly smile, holding a trendy bouquet of preserved flowers. "Oh, Stella, dear, I feel so terrible. I promised to keep an eye on things for you, but your delivery still went missing. "Didn't you say real flowers are too much work? Someone told me these preserved ones are all the rage. They stay fragrant and pretty for years. Take this as an apology from me." If I hadn't seen the footage, I would have fallen for her act hook, line, and sinker. Acting? Please, two can play that game. I put on a face of pure delight and took the flowers. "Oh my gosh! Thank you so much! I've wanted one of these forever, but they were always sold out! You're amazing, Mrs. Miller! "I won't be shy then. Thank you so much!" The preserved flowers were vibrant and lush, emitting a sweet fragrance. All I was thinking, though, was: Now where did you hide the camera in this one? Back inside, not wanting to tip them off, I placed the bouquet right on the dining table. Heh. You want a show? I'll give you a mukbang so good you'll drool yourselves to death. While planning my next moves, I thought through the best way to get revenge. My life motto: never let a villain get away with it. A creep and an old hag like this deserved to rot in prison. That was the only acceptable ending. But before that, I was going to have some fun with them. I was going to make sure they learned what it felt like to kick an iron wall. As I was eating in front of the flowers, a loud commotion erupted outside in the hallway. I tiptoed to the door and peeked out through the peephole. The bloated Kevin was pointing violently at Mrs. Miller's face, screaming: "You useless old hag! You can't even cook a decent meal! What good are you? "If it weren't for you killing my parents, would I be stuck living like this? If you're going to keep being worthless, get the fuck out! I don't house freeloaders!" Screaming, Kevin slammed his door shut. Mrs. Miller sobbed pitifully on the floor. If I didn't know the truth, I would have felt deeply sorry for an elderly woman being abused like that by her grandson, and I probably would have invited her inside for comfort. Then she would have pushed her luck, formed a closer bond, and found it even easier to plant more devices in my apartment. While sobbing, Mrs. Miller kept sneaking glances toward my door. Nice sob story. They knew I was home because of the camera in the flower bouquet, so they staged this whole performance. Sitting on the floor, wailing, she slapped her thighs dramatically. "Why haven't I died yet? Why am I still alive?! "Lord, just take me now! "I only did it for your own good! The doctor said your uric acid is through the roof and told you not to eat those things!" To make the performance believable, she let slip some of her real frustrations with Kevin. I sneered and stepped back from the door. "Don't worry, old lady. Karma's lightning bolt is already on its way."