My Toxic Roommate Went Too Far

A few days before move-in week, someone dropped over twenty messages into the freshman class SnapChat group. Every single one was a photo of herself in a skimpy bikini. "Hey everyone, I really suck at editing photos... can anyone help me touch these up? Pretty please?" Attached was a cute, pleading kitten GIF. I tapped on the photos. She sucked at editing? Her legs were stretched so long she looked six-foot-two! A bunch of guys instantly jumped in to hype her up. I just took it as free entertainment. What I didn't expect was that this girl was assigned to my dorm room. Great. Now the joke was living under my roof. At ten in the morning, my phone buzzed me awake. I checked the screen. Someone had spammed the freshman SnapChat group with more than twenty updates. Opening the chat, I saw a girl whose nickname was "Your Sweetest Little Freshman" sharing over twenty bikini thirst traps. At first, I thought she posted them in the wrong place. Usually, photos like that belong on Ins or some dating app, right? Dropping them into an official freshman class group was beyond weird. Trying to be helpful, I replied, "Did you mean to send these here?" She texted back, "Nope, right place!" Now I was totally baffled. "It's just that I'm terrible at taking photos, guys. They came out so ugly! Can someone help me edit them? I honestly don't know how." Another kitten GIF. The group chat exploded. An upperclassman immediately chimed in, "You're gorgeous! Why would you even need to edit them?" That comment went straight to her head. "Aww, stop it! Don't lie to me, they're not pretty at all yet!" I zoomed in on the photos. Not edited? Her legs were stretched into inhuman proportions, warping the faces of the people standing behind her into grotesque masks. Her skin had been filtered so bright and pale she practically glowed like drywall. Yet some guys were completely blind to it, showering her with compliments. A few thirsty creeps laid it on thick, and she ate up every single drop of attention. "Make sure you guys remember me! I'm your sweetest little freshman!" I frowned. Couldn't she tell those guys were just making gross, borderline-sexual jokes at her expense? Then someone asked what her major was. "Room 2104, E-Commerce! Don't forget to come say hi!" Room 2104, E-Commerce? Wait. That was my major track. It suddenly hit me that our dorm was still missing our fourth roommate in the private chat. Curiously, I asked, "Are you in Hall 11, Room 303A?" A cold, single-letter reply came back: "Yeah." My heart sank straight to the floor. I added her to our dorm SnapChat group. My roommate, Chloe, and I greeted her warmly. Even if she seemed completely unhinged online, she was going to be our roommate. As long as she wasn't a terrible person, we could still make it work. Except she completely ignored us. She kept flirting non-stop with the guys in the massive class group. It wasn't until late that night that she finally bothered to send us a dry "k." On move-in day, the rest of us arrived early to unpack our bags. The sharp clacking of heels echoed down the hallway. We all turned toward the door. Standing there was a girl in a sheer-strapped crop top showing off her midriff, denim micro-shorts, and three-inch platform heels. A heavy layer of foundation and dramatic makeup failed to hide the sour scowl on her face. Meet our "sweetest little freshman," Zoey. "Ugh, this dump is so tiny," she groaned, gesturing for the trail of guys behind her to haul her mountain of luggage inside. She fluttered a handheld fan in front of their faces. "Thanks so much, boys. You're the best." By the time the rest of us finished unpacking our own stuff, we were drenched in sweat. Zoey, meanwhile, sat comfortably in a chair, shooting passive-aggressive remarks our way. "Girls really need to keep a few guys around. Keeps you from looking so pathetic and sweaty."Right at that moment, my boyfriend FaceTimed me. "All unpacked? Let me take you out to dinner." I told him I was just finishing up and started grabbing my purse. Zoey suddenly shoved her face into my camera's view. "Wait, is that your boyfriend? He's so hot!" Her voice instantly pitched up into a babyish purr. "Hey handsome! I'm Clara's roommate, Zoey. Nice to—" Before she could finish her little pitch, I hung up and stared her down with an icy glare. Caught red-handed, she turned defensive and flushed with anger. "What? What's your problem?! I was just being friendly. No wonder you were acting all high and mighty earlier—you already hooked yourself a guy.” “Quality doesn't even matter when it comes to dating, anyway. It's all about keeping your roster full. Quantity is what proves a girl actually has game." Hearing her twisted logic, I let out a dry laugh. "Sounds like you're just cheap and easy to please." "What did you just call me?!" Her neck flushed bright red, her veins practically bulging as if she was about to jump me. I ignored her completely and walked out the door. When I got back that night, I called my boyfriend to chat before bed. Refusing to be outdone, Zoey immediately dialed someone too. She practically screamed into her phone. It was so loud my boyfriend couldn't hear a word I was saying, constantly asking, "Wait, what did you say?" It completely ruined the mood, so I hung up. Seeing it was already ten, I flipped off the lights, ready to sleep. The second the room went dark, her voice got even louder. She kept laughing and talking until three in the morning. Only when she finally shut up was I able to drift off. This went on for an entire week. We were in the middle of Freshman Orientation Week, completely exhausted, and she would pull all-nighters on the phone. The rest of us couldn't take it anymore. One evening, we cornered her in the room. "Zoey, could you please keep it down when you're on the phone? None of us have slept properly all week, and we can barely keep our eyes open during orientation." She scoffed in our faces. "How is that my problem? This is just my normal speaking voice. What, you guys can't afford earplugs?" Her sheer entitlement blew my mind. "We tried earplugs. You're so loud they don't even block you out." "Oh well. Guess you shouldn't sleep then. Only losers go to bed that early anyway." Rolling her eyes, she jammed her earbuds into her ears and turned her back on us. Our hot-tempered roommate, Hailey, snapped. She pushed up her sleeves. "Say that to my face again!" I grabbed Hailey's arm and pulled her back. People like this? I knew exactly how to handle them. Human energy has limits. Eventually, the lack of sleep caught up to Zoey, and she crashed hard during the day. The moment she was fast asleep, I pulled out my Bluetooth speaker, cranked the volume all the way up, blasted an upbeat track, and started dancing around the room with my roommates. The dorm walls were thick enough that the hallway wouldn't hear much. From start to finish, the only victim was Zoey. She finally cracked, grabbing her pillow and hurling it straight at the speaker. "What the hell are you doing?! Can't you see someone's trying to sleep?!" I picked up the speaker and smiled sweetly. "Gee, who was it that said only losers go to bed early?""You..." She pointed a trembling finger at me, choking on her own words because she knew she had no ground to stand on. Slamming the door behind her, she stormed out. From that day on, whenever she raised her voice on a call, I pointed the speaker directly at her bed and hit play. Realizing she couldn't win, she stopped taking calls after lights-out altogether. A week later, orientation finally wrapped up. While we were all hanging out, Hailey excitedly shared some campus gossip. "Guys, listen to this. Someone told me that right before school started, some girl called 'Your Sweetest Little Freshman' posted over twenty thirst traps in the class group." She pulled out her phone, scrolling through the chat history. "Look at this! You can tell she filtered this a million times. She stretched her legs until she looks seven feet tall! And she had the nerve to claim she didn't know how to edit! I'm dying!" Chloe and I exchanged frantic glances, winking and coughing to get Hailey to shut her mouth. Hailey had been working a full-time summer job right up until move-in, so she rarely checked her phone back then. She had no idea the girl in question was Zoey. "What's wrong with your eyes? Are you guys having a stroke or something?" Hailey asked, completely oblivious. Me: "..." She was hopeless. Hailey doubled over laughing. "Look at her face! She edited her chin into an absolute razor blade!" Zoey shot up from her chair like a rocket. "Who gave you the right to judge other people? Are you insane?!" Hailey jumped up right back, matching her energy. "That girl is totally fake and desperate for male validation! Why shouldn't I talk about it? Besides, what does it have to do with you? Mind your own business!" Just then, Zoey's phone screen lit up on her desk. Hailey caught a glimpse of the lock screen wallpaper. She froze, turning to me with wide eyes. "Wait... that's her?" I gave her a slow nod. Hailey sank back into her chair and went completely mute. To be fair, you couldn't really blame Hailey. Zoey's edits were so absurdly heavy that the photos looked nothing like her real face. In reality, even wearing three-inch heels, Zoey barely scraped five-foot-seven. In those pictures, she looked like an Amazonian supermodel. Later, Hailey tried to apologize, but Zoey refused to even look at her. The next day, Zoey's package arrived: an extravagant, frilly princess bed canopy. The thing was massive, spilling over onto my side of the bunk, covered in overflowing lace borders. There was zero room left for me to hang my own privacy curtain. Meanwhile, she was happily stringing it up, acting like everything was totally fine. I kept my voice calm. "Your canopy is cute, but it's way too big. It's blocking my space. Want me to go with you to town to get it hemmed or exchanged?" She acted like she didn't hear a word, continuing to fiddle with the lace. After asking three times, it became obvious she was deliberately ignoring me. I walked right up to her and raised my voice. "Zoey!" She whipped around, glaring at me with sharp annoyance. "Are you crazy? Stop chirping in my ear! If you can't hang yours, then don't hang it. Knowing your taste, whatever you bought is probably hideous anyway. Don't bring down the aesthetic of our room." Excuse me? She took over my space, and now she was insulting my taste? That was the absolute last straw. I reached up and yanked down with all my strength. The cheap lace tore instantly. With a loud snap, the entire canopy collapsed to the floor.