When I Forget My Love, Forgive Me

After being diagnosed with severe cerebral small vessel disease, my life was on a countdown. The selective cognitive impairment caused by the illness made me slowly forget everything I loved during my volunteer teaching assignment in the remote mountains. One day, the ex-boyfriend I had brutally dumped years ago drove an off-road SUV right up to the muddy school gates. He looked down at my rough skin and cracked, sunburnt cheeks with undisguised contempt, laughing bitterly. "Living in a godforsaken dump like this... I guess that's your karma for chasing money back then, huh?" "Look at how pathetic you are. Are you regretting it now? Do you want to beg me to take you back?" I looked at him with innocent curiosity, clutching the children's homework notebooks tightly against my chest. "And who are you?" "Playing dumb? Keep pretending! Nora, it's been a few years, and your acting skills have certainly improved." The man kicked over a nearby pile of coal ash, gritting his teeth in fury. I rubbed my hands together awkwardly, a faint spark of excitement lighting up my eyes. "I know... Dressed so well, you must be a kind donor!" I turned around to fetch the certificate of appreciation, ready to present it to this generous philanthropist. Cradling a stack of cheap red construction paper, I carefully shuffled out of the office. "Sir, this is a certificate of appreciation for you. Thank you so much for donating supplies to the kids." He stared at the red paper, where the ink was written in clumsy, crooked strokes. "Nora, we haven't seen each other in five years. Why does your handwriting look like chicken scratch now?" "Back then, didn't you cry in my study just trying to practice your penmanship?" I had no idea what he was talking about. My arms grew tired from holding it up, so I pushed it toward him a little more. "Sir?" He let out a sudden, cold laugh and snatched the red paper. "Nora, are you really going to play stupid with me?" "When you dumped me for money back then, weren't you acting tough as nails?" Before I could explain, he ripped the paper in half with a vicious tear. "Caleb, why the huge temper?" The passenger door opened, and a pair of sleek designer heels stepped right onto the torn scraps of red paper. Chloe covered her nose in disgust, glancing around the run-down yard. "This is the place you were talking about? It's basically a pigsty." Caleb casually slipped an arm around her waist, shooting me a defiant look. "Take a good look. This is my fiancée now, Chloe." "Younger than you, prettier than you." "Nora, look at the pathetic mess you've become. How could you ever compete with her?" I followed his gaze. The woman named Chloe was indeed gorgeous, but what did that have to do with me? Feeling completely bewildered, I turned around to grab a broom, not wanting to bother with these strange people. Some of the paper scraps were wet and stuck to the dirt, impossible to sweep up, so I had to crouch down and scratch them off with my fingernails. As I scraped, I muttered under my breath, "Red paper brings good luck. Even if it's broken, it means peace." "If I collect them and dry them out, I can still cut window decorations for the kids' classroom." The man's breathing turned heavy with rage. He strode over and stomped his boot down onto the scrap of paper I was reaching for. "Nora! Do you really think this is cute?" "I'm talking to you! Why are you playing deaf and dumb?" I looked up at his polished leather boots, then down at the red paper mashed into the mud. What a waste. Noticing his fury, Chloe fanned the air near her nose on purpose. "Caleb, this place is awful. There's nowhere to even step." "Look at all this trash in the road. How is anyone supposed to walk?" She pointed at a tattered cloth bag lying in the middle of the path, her face twisted in disgust. He glanced at the bag and kicked it aside. "Throwing garbage right in the road! Is this the kind of manners your school teaches?" The bag went flying, scattering pencil stubs and homework sheets all over the dirt. "Ah! My backpack!" Little Lily, who had just walked in, burst into tears when she saw it. Right then, Aaron charged out. "Bad guys! Don't bully Lily!" Unsteady in her heels, Chloe was shoved straight into a mud puddle by Aaron. "Ah! My dress!" Chloe shrieked as she scrambled up, her face and clothes splattered with mud. Caleb completely snapped. He grabbed Aaron by the collar, his knuckles popping with tension. "You're dead meat! A village idiot dares to lay a hand on my woman?" Aaron couldn't understand what he was yelling, but he could feel the malice pouring off the man. He raised the wood-chopping axe in his hand high into the air. If Aaron hurt someone, his life would be over. Without thinking, I threw myself forward and locked my arms around the hand holding the axe. "Aaron! Put it down! Listen to me!" Aaron looked down at me, the murderous glint in his eyes softening into a look of hurt. Sighing in relief, I turned to Caleb and bowed repeatedly. "Please don't be angry, sir! He has a cognitive disability, he doesn't know any better!" "Please don't hold it against him. If you want to hit someone, hit me!" Seeing me so submissive, the fire in Caleb's eyes burned even hotter. "Fine, Nora. You're really something." "Throwing your life away for an idiot, huh?" "Weren't you acting all proud just a minute ago? Pretending I didn't exist?" He gave a cold laugh and barked at his driver behind him: "Tell the convoy to seal the supply trucks!" "Not a single grain of rice, not a single lump of coal gets unloaded!" "Since this pathetic school has so much pride, you can all freeze and starve to death!"To secure the winter supplies, I cleared out my small brick room at the school for them to stay in. Caleb sat on my wooden plank bed, layering several old newspapers beneath himself in disgust. Chloe touched up her makeup beside him, complaining non-stop. "What kind of hellhole is this? There isn't even hot water." "Caleb, let's just leave. I don't want to stay here another minute." Caleb ignored her, his eyes fixed darkly on me. "Didn't you want to make amends? Go cook." "If it tastes bad, forget about the supplies." I nodded, turning to head into the makeshift kitchen built against the wall. There was barely anything in the kitchen—just a bag of sprouting potatoes and half a bin of rice. I struggled to light the wood stove, coughing relentlessly from the smoke. Yet I didn't dare stop, terrified that if I took too long, this wealthy patron would change his mind. Half an hour later, I carried two plates into the room. On the plates were roasted potatoes. Because I couldn't control the fire well, the skins were completely charred, looking like two chunks of coal. I set the plates down on the three-legged wooden table propped up by a brick, my hands trembling slightly. "Sir, this is all we have... Please make do with it." Chloe took one look at the plates and covered her mouth in dramatic horror. "Oh my god, is this even fit for human consumption?" "Nora, are you doing this on purpose?" "Trying to disgust us with pig slop?" With a sudden sweep of her hand, she sent the plates crashing to the ground, shattering them into pieces. The charred potatoes rolled across the dirt floor, coated in dust and dirt. "Sir, it's not pig slop! It's really good. Even if you don't want to eat it, please don't waste food!" I crouched down to pick up a potato. "Oh, so you know not to waste food? Since you say it's so good, you eat it!" "If you can pick it up and swallow it, then I'll believe it's not pig food!" Chloe sneered. I opened my mouth, just about to bring the potato to my lips. Suddenly, a hand shot out and knocked the potato straight out of my grip. The potato flew across the room, smashing against the wall into several pieces. Caleb stood over me, his chest heaving violently. "Nora, have you no shame at all?!" "Are you really that desperate for a few supplies?" "For money, you'd even eat garbage, wouldn't you?!" He roared so loudly that my ears rang. I didn't understand why he was so furious. Didn't she tell me to eat it? When I tried to, he got mad. The tempers of rich people were truly impossible to comprehend. Caleb let go of me, seeming to realize he had lost his composure. He took a deep breath and pointed down at his boots. "Clean my shoes." "If they aren't spotless, I'm pulling the donation and leaving right now." He extended his foot toward me. A speck of mashed potato clung to his black leather combat boots. I knelt on the ground and began wiping the boot bit by bit, but my hands started disobeying me, shaking more and more violently. A flicker of unreadable pain crossed his eyes, yet his voice remained harsh: "Nora, when you dumped me back then, did you ever imagine this day would come?" "This is your karma." I said nothing, merely clamping down hard on my trembling wrist. Only one thought remained in my mind: "Stop shaking. Please, stop shaking." "If I clean them, the children will have coal for the winter."Caleb looked down at me, suddenly pulling his foot back. "Enough!" He bent down, gripped my chin, and forced my head up to look at him. "Nora, do you remember these boots?" "You told me that the day I could afford them, you'd marry me." "Back then, I knelt in front of you and swore that I would make something of myself." "Now that you're kneeling here, are you thinking about the past, too?" I strained to focus my vision, trying to recall the features of this kind benefactor. Yet the longer I looked, the more of a stranger he seemed. I was terrified he would get angry, terrified he would back out on the supplies. So, I carefully whispered: "Big boss..." "If you think they're not clean enough, I can wipe them again." "Nora, you're calling me 'big boss'?" He let out a furious, broken laugh. "We were together for five years. We shared a bed for five years, and now you call me 'big boss'?" He thought I was using this act of playing dumb to humiliate his most cherished memories. To him, even if I cursed him or hated him, it would be a thousand times better than this cold, detached title. He grabbed my collar abruptly, choking off my breath. "I'm sorry, sir... I really don't know you..." "I just need the coal... Please give us the coal..." I felt only terror, pushing frantically against his chest, desperate to get away from this madman. Just then, the door was kicked open with a bang. Aaron charged in. He saw me being held up by Caleb, saw the sheer agony on my face. "Let go of Miss Nora!" Though his mind was simple, his strength was terrifying. His fist slammed squarely into Caleb's jaw. Caught off guard, Caleb stumbled backward, blood immediately seeping from the corner of his lip. Having trained in combat, he quickly recovered and countered with a heavy punch to Aaron's stomach. Aaron doubled over like a shrimp, collapsing onto the floor in agony. The bodyguards who rushed in pinned Aaron firmly to the ground. Caleb wiped the blood from his lip, his gaze chillingly venomous. "Daring to hit me? Wonderful." "Tie this idiot up! Call the police!" "Assault with intent—that's enough to lock him away for years!" Without a second thought, I slammed my forehead hard against the concrete floor. "Sir! Please! Don't arrest him!" "He doesn't know any better! It's all my fault! I didn't look after him!" "Please let him go! You can punish me however you want!" As my forehead hit the floor, a sharp, searing pain tore through me, and a warm liquid trickled down my brow, blinding one of my eyes. I didn't care to wipe it, simply bowing and hitting my head against the floor over and over again. Seeing my face covered in blood, Caleb froze where he stood. Yet the fire in his eyes didn't die down; it only turned into a more frantic rage. "Nora, you're unbelievable..." "Back then, I knelt in the pouring rain begging you not to leave, trampling my own dignity into the dirt just for you to look back at me. And what did you do?" "You walked away without a second thought! And now, for some village idiot, you're smashing your head bloody?!" ... "Nora, you win... You want to save him, don't you?" Caleb's eyes were bloodshot as he rasped, "Fine. I'll give you a chance."The rain outside poured heavier and heavier. Caleb stood by the doorway, pointing at the flatbed truck loaded with coal in the yard. Rain slammed against the black tarp, kicking up a thick mist. "There are about three tons of coal on that truck." "If you unload all of it into the storage shed by yourself..." "I'll let the idiot go, and I won't pull the supplies." "But if you haven't moved it all before sunrise, you can get ready to visit him in prison." With a cloth stuffed into his mouth, Aaron shook his head at me frantically, muffled whimpers escaping his throat as tears washed clean streaks through the grime on his face. I climbed onto the truck, hoisted a sack of coal onto my back, gritted my teeth, and took one agonizing step after another toward the shed. With every single step, my legs shook violently. One bag, two bags, three bags... My breathing grew shallower and faster, but I didn't dare stop. I was terrified that if I stopped, I would never be able to stand up again... I was terrified that if I stopped, Aaron would be dragged away... I was terrified that if I stopped, the children wouldn't have any heat tomorrow... Caleb stood beneath the eaves smoking, his eyes locked onto the frail figure in the rain, not even noticing when the cigarette ash burned down to his fingers. Standing beside him, Chloe felt a chill run down her spine watching this. It looked like someone literally working themselves to death. "Caleb... maybe just drop it?" "Her body looks frail. What if someone actually dies..." "Shut up! It's a guilt trip! She's putting on a show for me!" "She just wants to soften my heart! I won't let her!" ... I didn't know how much time had passed. I told myself: "Hold on just a little longer, Nora. You can do this." "Almost halfway there. Almost halfway..." Suddenly, an agonizing pain felt like a power drill boring straight into my brain. My hands and feet went numb, gradually losing all sensation. I bit the inside of my cheek until it bled, falling to one knee in the dirt, trying to use the pain to stay conscious. I tried to crawl back up, but my limbs completely stopped responding. My consciousness slipped away rapidly, and a boundless darkness swallowed my vision. My entire body, along with the heavy coal sack, slammed violently into the freezing mud. Right before I lost consciousness completely, all I heard was Aaron's heart-wrenching wails. ... "Nora! Get the hell up!" Caleb threw his cigarette aside and sprinted into the downpour. He cursed under his breath, demanding she stop playing dead, but his feet moved faster than anyone's. He dropped beside me. Seeing my deathly pale face and purple lips, his hands shook uncontrollably. "Nora! Nora!" He patted my cheeks; they were terrifyingly cold. Without caring about the filthy mud covering me, he scooped me up into his arms. The moment he lifted me, several white, unlabeled prescription bottles rolled out of my soaked coat pocket.