The Daughter They Never Loved

Two days after I was born, my mother gave me away. My parents already had a daughter. In our family, I was the unnecessary one. When I was seven, they came to bring me home from my aunt’s house. I sat in the car, nervously clutching my clothes. I wondered if Mom would give me a warm hug when she saw me for the first time, or maybe even a kiss. But the tender scene I imagined never happened. Mom was holding my baby brother. She swept me a scornful glance. “If I hadn’t gotten sick giving birth to you, my body wouldn’t be in this condition.” “I brought you home so you could take care of your brother. Don’t think you have a place in this family.” Desperate for my mother’s love, I tried everything I could to make up for my existence. It wasn’t until I collapsed while working, my consciousness fading, that I realized I was about to die. I smiled in relief. Mom, from now on, I’ll never be a burden to you again. “Hannah, your dad and I need to talk to you about something. You know we’ve been relying on those fields to barely put all three of you through school. “After your dad’s accident, not only did we spend all our savings, but his leg may never recover enough for him to work the land again. So your dad and I discussed renting out our fifteen acres next year. “But even then, the money probably won’t be enough to support all three of you in school. “I’ve thought about it from every angle. Maybe you should stop after middle school. But I know you’re still young, so I won’t make you go work. “Your aunt said trade school is pretty good. You can learn a skill and find a job after graduation. Why don’t you go to trade school?” My mother’s words struck me like a bolt of lightning. I froze, then finally asked the question I had kept buried for so long. “Mom? If I were your oldest daughter, would you let me go to high school?” Mom frowned and looked at me coldly. “What does your sister have to do with this? She didn’t happen to be around when our family had problems. You did. That’s all.” What a perfunctory answer. When my older sister failed her high school entrance exam, she only had to act spoiled. Mom sold grain and spent money to send her to high school. I had passed the exam, but I still wasn’t allowed to go. “Mom, I still want to go to high school. Please let me. I’ll work hard and get into a good college. Then I’ll find a good job and take care of you and Dad. Please, don’t make me go to trade school.” Mom clearly hadn’t expected me to refuse. She frowned and scolded me. “How can you be so selfish? Look at our family! How can you only think about yourself? Do you think it’s easy for your dad and me to support all three of you?” “Especially you! I got sick giving birth to you, and I’ve never been healthy since. Now your dad is like this too. Can’t you be more understanding? Are you trying to kill us?” I almost laughed. Who was forcing whom? They were the ones forcing me! “No matter what you say, I’m going to high school. If I have to, I’ll pay for it myself. I’ll collect recyclables during my breaks. You won’t have to worry about me.” As expected, my words earned me another tirade. “How can you be so selfish? I never should have given birth to an ungrateful daughter like you! When you were little and stayed with your aunt, we paid her a hundred dollars every month for your formula. Did I ever mistreat you? “When you got older, I sent sack after sack of food over there because I was afraid you’d go hungry. “How much hardship have I endured for you? How many sacrifices have I made? How can you be so inconsiderate?” My whole body went cold. My eyes burned. It was always this. She had only ever said this to me. I held back my tears and looked at Mom. “Have you blamed me enough yet?” “Was I the one who made you give me away?” “If I’d had a choice, I wouldn’t have been born either. And I never wanted to spend every day being blamed by you!”The moment I finished speaking, I stormed out. When I looked up, my eight-year-old little sister was standing there, watching me. For the first time, I felt something close to hatred toward her. She was the one who had been born after my parents already had the permitted number of children. She was also a girl, yet she received treatment completely different from mine. Why? Why was life so unfair? I ran to my aunt Diane’s house and clung to her while I cried. She sighed and comforted me. She said she would discuss it with Uncle Robert. If necessary, they could lend me the money they had saved for my cousin’s wedding so I could attend high school. My cousin was still young. He could get married a few years later. My heart warmed when I heard that. Diane wasn’t related to me by blood, but she was the person who loved me most. Not long afterward, I received a call from my dad at her house. “You made your mother sick with anger! You ungrateful brat, are you even human? Get your butt home right now!” Aunt Diane comforted me and urged me to go back. She told me not to upset Mom and make her health worse. I went home, carrying a sense of guilt. The moment I walked through the door, I saw Mom holding my older sister’s hand and laughing with her. When Mom saw me, her expression changed instantly. “You actually came back? You might as well stay away! You’re always running off to other people’s houses. Don’t you have any shame? Even if you don’t find it annoying, they do!” The guilt and concern I’d felt on the way home vanished instantly. In their place was an icy numbness that spread from the deepest part of my heart. Then Mom said something that made me even colder. “Your sister will take you to register for trade school later. You can study early childhood education. After you graduate, you can work at a preschool. It’s stable.” I laughed bitterly inside. So that was why they had been in such a hurry to call me home. They had already decided my entire future for me. What a wonderful mother. I told them that Aunt Diane was willing to lend me money for high school. As expected, Mom exploded. “Hannah, do you have no shame? I fed you and clothed you. Do you have any idea how much I’ve suffered because of you? You really are an ungrateful brat. No wonder raising you away from home turned you into this!” “If your aunt is so wonderful, why don’t you go live with her? Don’t come back!” I almost laughed. That was something I should have been saying. Maybe because she hadn’t raised me herself, she didn’t have any feelings for me. And what did all the hardship she suffered have to do with me? Everything I said landed like a punch against cotton. She didn’t understand me. No, it wasn’t that she didn’t understand. She simply didn’t care. Maybe she needed someone to take her anger out on after failing to have a son and suffering so many hardships and humiliations. She loved her oldest daughter. She spoiled the youngest daughter she had given birth to. And I was the outlet for all her frustration. My older sister tried to comfort her. “Don’t be angry, Mom. She’s always been like this. Be careful not to hurt yourself.” Then she turned to me. “Hannah, how can you act like this? You know what our family is going through. Money borrowed has to be paid back eventually. Mom wants you to go to trade school for your own good. Why can’t you appreciate it?” I turned and stared at her coldly. “What right do you have to criticize me? Did you even get into high school?” “You—” My sister’s face flushed red. She was so angry she couldn’t speak. Mom pointed at me and cursed. “Listen to me, you ungrateful brat. I will not borrow money to send you to school. From now on, you’re forbidden from going to your aunt’s house. If you go, I’ll break your legs.” “If you don’t want me to die, then go to trade school like I told you. Otherwise, quit school and work the fields! You can support your sisters. Choose one!” There it was. She had finally said what she really thought. She wanted me to leave school early and support both of her daughters. Even though her oldest daughter hadn’t even passed the high school entrance exam, she was still precious in Mom’s eyes. No matter how well I did or who was willing to lend me money, Mom believed trade school was the only place I belonged. That was favoritism—the kind of love I would never have in my entire life. After yelling at me, Mom called Aunt Diane and cursed her out too. Her words were vicious and cruel. The pain inside me nearly overflowed. I couldn’t stand the thought of the only person who had ever treated me well being insulted because of me. I forced myself to swallow the hurt, stepped forward, snatched the phone from Mom’s hand, and hung up. “I’ll go.”I did exactly as Mom wanted and enrolled in trade school. It was close to home. I could get there by bike in twenty minutes. The school had a terrible reputation. Students wearing heavy makeup and dating were everyday sights. Some parents refused to send their kids there because they were afraid they would be corrupted. My parents weren’t worried. They thought it was the perfect place for me. Besides, with my personality, I wouldn’t have changed no matter where they sent me. I gave up completely. Because I was shy, I kept to myself at school and numbingly studied the early childhood education program Mom had chosen for me. I only cared about finding a job after graduation. Trade school gave me more free time. Classes ended at noon every Friday, so I had even more time to go home and work in the fields and do housework. My life became a stagnant pool. I moved through each day mechanically, barely alive. In the blink of an eye, my little sister grew up and started middle school. Her grades were excellent—she was always in the top five in her class. Mom proudly bragged to the neighbors that her youngest daughter was brilliant. My little sister was considerate. Whenever she was home, she helped with chores and followed me around. “Hannah, is there anything I can help you with?” Every time, Mom would call her away. “Let your sister handle it. Go study.” Not long afterward, my older sister went to college. She attended a two-year school and studied environmental design. Since she needed a computer for her major, Mom and Aunt Diane borrowed several thousand dollars to buy her a laptop. Watching my sister hold that brand-new laptop, purchased with borrowed money, left me with complicated feelings. So borrowing money wasn’t that difficult after all. It just depended on who needed it. Soon, I graduated from trade school and began my internship. My grades were good, and I was quiet and reliable. A preschool came to recruit teachers, so I started working at a private preschool for a monthly internship salary of $1,800. I clearly remembered how excited Mom was when I received my first paycheck. She patted my shoulder proudly. “My daughter is earning money now! She doesn’t need her parents to support her anymore. Our family has another source of income. Your sister will have spending money next month too!” It was the first time Mom had ever shown any approval of me. But I couldn’t feel happy. My heart was as still as a pool of dead water. Mom took my entire paycheck, counted out six hundred dollars, and handed the rest back to me. Just when I was wondering why she had left me so much, she said, “I’ll use this six hundred to pay your sister’s tuition and buy medicine for your dad and me. Send your sister a thousand dollars for spending money. Keep the remaining two hundred for yourself. Buy something nice. You shouldn’t deprive yourself.” I almost laughed. I had been imagining things. How could she possibly leave me that much money? Maybe she noticed my unhappiness, because Mom frowned. “What’s with that expression? Are you upset that I’m using your money? “You should know that I only need medicine because of you. If I hadn’t gotten sick giving birth to you…” I silently finished the rest of her sentence in my head. Every word was exactly what I expected. “And don’t complain about your sisters using your money. You’re family. They’ll remember your kindness. One day, you’ll benefit from them too.” I almost laughed again. When it came to empty promises, Mom was number one. Maybe my little sister would help me someday. I didn’t know. But my older sister? Considering how she had treated me since childhood, I didn’t dare hope for anything. I took a deep breath. My chest felt painfully tight. I was tired of listening to her ramble, so I left. Behind me, I heard her make a phone call.