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You Have Your Excuses, I Have My Disappointment
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Every time Xavier made me angry, he'd run to his love strategist, Rosamond, for help. And Rosamond, my best friend, always forwarded me her chat logs with Xavier the moment they happened. "He forgot your period again? Seriously? Does he have a pig brain?" "He left you hanging for half an hour, and it turns out he was playing video games. What are you keeping a guy like that around for?"
Chapters (4)
第1章
Every time Xavier Delgado did something to make me angry, he'd go running to his so-called love strategist, Rosamond Pruitt, for advice.
And my dear best friend, Rosamond, always turned around and forwarded me her chat logs with Xavier the second she got them.
"He forgot your period AGAIN?! Does he have a brain the size of a pea?"
"He left you waiting half an hour just to play games? What are you keeping a man like that around for?"
Whenever I was upset, Rosamond acted even angrier than I was.
So, naturally, she came up with all sorts of ways for me to punish Xavier.
It started with a thousand-word written apology, and escalated to making Xavier record himself trashing his own name a hundred times over.
The punishments kept getting harsher, until even I thought it was going too far, chipping away at a man's pride.
But Rosamond would jab me in the forehead like I was hopeless.
"Men are all like this. If you're too easy to win back, he'll never learn to treasure you."
And I believed her.
Right up until the day of our third anniversary.
I stood in the cold wind for a full hour, and Xavier never showed.
I started to panic, worried something had happened to him on the way.
Then Rosamond suddenly sent me a voice message.
"She's such an idiot. She still has no clue we've been sleeping together this whole time."
1.
My fingers had gone stiff in the wind.
"What did you just unsend?"
She replied fast.
"Typo! My keyboard's been glitching lately, jumping to random words, it's driving me insane."
Two pouting emojis followed.
I pressed the screen dark.
If I hadn't opened that voice message in time, I probably would have believed her all over again.
After all, for three years she'd always been the one who stepped up whenever Xavier and I fought, holding me while she cursed him out, then turning right around to hand him his lines.
She had both of us wrapped around her finger.
Quick footsteps came up behind me.
"Astrid!"
Xavier cut through the crowd, running toward me.
Sweat beaded at his hairline, his scarf hanging loose around his neck.
A bouquet of pink roses in his left arm, a paper bag stamped with a jewelry brand's logo in his right hand.
The second he saw me, he couldn't hold back his grin.
"Sorry I kept you waiting."
He stopped in front of me and opened his arms.
I didn't move.
His arms hung there for a couple of seconds, then dropped like nothing had happened.
"I was late because I was picking up your gift. I swear I didn't stand you up on purpose."
He held the flowers out.
"You like them?"
I'd told him plenty of times that I liked white roses.
Rosamond liked pink.
Before, when Xavier got the flowers wrong, I only thought he was careless.
Today, that clump of pink crowded up in front of my face, petals still beaded with water, like they'd just come out of the shop.
"Where did you buy them?"
"That shop on the west side. Rosamond said their flowers are the freshest."
Xavier answered without a hitch.
I took the paper bag but didn't touch the flowers.
Inside the box was a necklace.
This piece came in two versions. The fronts were nearly identical; the difference was hidden in the pattern on the back.
I liked the star version. Rosamond liked the flower version.
We'd talked about it when we were out shopping, and she'd even sent me a photo of herself trying it on.
I turned the pendant over.
A little flower engraved on the back.
Xavier leaned down to watch me, his voice full of pride.
"Nice, right? To get your taste out of the strategist, I had to bribe her with a dozen lattes. The clerk said it was the last one. I ran to two malls before I found it."
So he really had put thought into it.
It just hadn't been thought about me.
All the little details I'd overlooked came surfacing, one after another.
The cake he bought me was always the chestnut flavor Rosamond loved.
The movies he took me to were always the artsy ones Rosamond kept mentioning.
Even the words he used to smooth things over, he ran by Rosamond first.
Xavier was still waiting for my reaction.
I snapped the box shut.
"Nice."
His smile faded.
"That's it? Just 'nice'?"
"I want to go home."
I handed the paper bag back to him and stepped around him toward the roadside.
Xavier reached out to grab me. I dodged.
"Astrid Fisher, I ordered your gift two weeks in advance, I drove halfway across the city to see you, what more do you want?"
"I'm tired."
"So you're throwing a fit again?"
He glanced down at the flowers in his hand, and his face went completely dark.
The next second, he slammed the pink roses down onto the ground.
The wrapping split open, and the stems rolled to the feet of passersby.
"Astrid Fisher, are you done or not?!"
The people around us slowed.
Some turned to look, some pulled out their phones.
I looked at those flowers, and suddenly I wanted to laugh.
He was the one who'd betrayed me.
Yet he stood there straight-backed and righteous, as if I'd been the one in the wrong from start to finish.
第2章
"Say something."
Xavier planted himself in front of me.
"It's our third anniversary. I got the flowers, I got the necklace, so I was a little late, so what? You have to make a face at me in front of all these people?"
The passersby were looking at me now.
All they saw was a man who'd rushed over holding gifts, and a woman with a cold face trying to leave.
Xavier knew that perfectly well.
He raised his voice and laid out every wrong he'd suffered, one by one.
"Last time you were angry, I wrote you a thousand-word apology. The time before that, I recorded a hundred apology videos. And when you made me tell my roommates I was useless, I did that too."
"Astrid, I've already spoiled you enough."
I looked up at him.
Every one of those methods had come from Rosamond.
I'd thought they went too far, and refused. Rosamond had held my hand and told me I had to teach Xavier a lesson. Afterward, when he'd done it, I would take him to dinner, buy him gifts, trying to give him back the dignity he'd lost.
Now all of it had turned into evidence against me.
"Don't you already know?" I asked. "Who taught me those punishments."
"My coach taught me how to soothe you, and taught you how to keep me in line. She was doing it for both of us."
Xavier frowned.
"But the decision was in your hands. If you actually cared about me, you never would have gone along with it."
He said it fast, like he'd rehearsed it.
"I spoiled you too much, that's the only reason you turned out like this. Any normal girl would've been thrilled to get a necklace this expensive. And you? You make a face and walk off, forcing me to grovel."
I'd had so many things I wanted to ask him.
I wanted to ask why he was meeting Rosamond alone.
I wanted to ask what that laughing little "babe" was supposed to mean.
I wanted to ask how long he'd spent with her, to leave me waiting a full hour in the wind.
But he'd already sealed off every exit.
If I explained, he'd say I was making excuses.
If I pulled out the voice message, Rosamond only had to call it a joke, and he'd blame me for reading too much into it.
The tears fell without warning.
Xavier froze.
The hand he'd reached out stopped in midair, his voice dropping with it.
"What are you crying for? I didn't even say anything that harsh."
I wiped the tears away, and new ones fell.
"If you're this willing to do whatever Rosamond says, then why don't you just make Rosamond your girlfriend?"
"What are you talking about?"
Half of Xavier's anger drained away, but the impatience still sat between his brows.
"She and I are just friends. She understands you, that's why I asked her for help. You go imagining things all on your own, and now you want to throw dirt on both of us?"
He grabbed my wrist.
"Enough, don't cry in the street. People will think I'm bullying you."
I threw his hand off.
Someone nearby said under their breath, "The guy even bought gifts, what's she making a fuss for."
Another one laughed and answered, "Spoiled rotten, that's what."
Xavier heard it, and a kind of relief spread across his face, like he'd found backup.
"See, everyone thinks you're being unreasonable."
I looked at him and said nothing more.
In three years, every time he made me angry, it went like this.
First he explained, and when the explaining didn't work, he got angry.
Then when I cried, he'd hold me and say he only acted that way because he cared too much.
Rosamond would show up right on cue and comfort each of us separately.
I used to think she was patching up the cracks.
The cracks were the ones she'd been chipping open, little by little.
A cab pulled over at the curb.
I opened the door, and Xavier caught up, pressing his hand against it.
"Astrid, if you leave today, don't expect me to come coax you back."
"Fine."
I pushed his hand off and got into the car.
The door shut.
Xavier stood where he was, his lips moving. The driver hit the gas, and that familiar face was quickly swallowed by the crowd.
My phone started buzzing.
Rosamond was calling.
I hung up.
She called again.
When it rang a third time, I watched the streetlights sliding backward outside the window and pressed answer.
"Astrid, did you and Xavier get into a fight again?"
Her voice was still just as gentle.
The same as every other time.
This time, I didn't follow the script she'd written.
第3章
"Tomorrow, three in the afternoon. The coffee shop by the campus east gate."
I said it flatly.
Rosamond paused for a moment.
"Why the sudden meeting? Did Xavier upset you again? Tell me first, I'll chew him out for you."
"No need."
"Astrid, you're acting strange today."
"See you tomorrow."
I hung up.
Rosamond sent a few more messages.
She asked whether I'd been crying, reminded me not to ruin the anniversary with a scene, and added that Xavier had spent ages working on the gift.
I didn't reply.
By the time the cab pulled into campus, most of the dorm windows had gone dark.
That photo of the necklace with the faint floral pattern was still on my phone.
I deleted it and pulled the bed curtain shut.
The next afternoon, I got to the coffee shop early.
I picked a seat by the door and ordered a cup of hot water.
At 3:05, the glass door swung open.
Xavier and Rosamond walked in together.
Rosamond wore a pink coat and carried the latte I knew so well. Xavier trailed behind her, his face grim.
Neither of them explained why they'd shown up together.
Rosamond sat across from me and reached out to touch my hand.
"Astrid, why are your eyes so swollen? Xavier told me everything last night. He was too harsh, and I already scolded him for it."
I pulled my hand back.
Xavier drew out a chair and set his phone on the table first.
The screen was lit. A call was connecting.
"Let's not fight yet. Let's hear what an elder has to say."
I saw the number and pressed my fingertips against the rim of the cup.
Sophomore year, this number had once come through on my phone.
The man who'd walked out on me and my mother for over a decade had driven up to campus in a black sedan.
He'd worn an expensive suit and carried a bag he'd bought for me, trying to play the part of a father who'd made it.
I didn't take a single thing from him.
Back then Xavier had held my hand and said, "If you don't want to see him, then don't. I'll keep everyone you don't like away from you."
Now he was the one putting that man in front of me.
The call connected, and the man's slurred voice came through, thick with drink.
"Astrid, Xavier tells me you've been throwing tantrums again?"
I looked at Xavier.
He turned on the speaker and pushed the phone to the center of the table.
"You contacted him?"
"He's your father, after all." Xavier avoided my eyes. "Some things you won't hear from me, but you should at least listen to family."
That word, father, sat there on the table.
Rosamond bowed her head and took a sip of her latte. She didn't correct it.
The man on the line coughed twice.
"Xavier's a good catch, and he cares about you. A man slips up now and then. As a woman, you've got to learn to be understanding. Don't be like your mother, so hard-headed she tore a perfectly good family apart."
The water sloshed over the rim and wet the back of my hand.
"Who gave you the right to lecture me?"
"I'm your father!"
His voice jumped.
"I didn't contact you all these years because I had my reasons. Now I'm willing to look after you and you don't know a good thing when you see it? Xavier buys you a gift that expensive and you turn on your heel and leave. How's a man supposed to hold his head up in front of his friends after that?"
Rosamond murmured, "Astrid, your uncle only wants what's best for you."
I turned my head and looked at her.
At once she put on a wounded expression.
"Don't look at me like that. I just think Xavier really loves you. He was with me yesterday to pick out your gift, that's all. Nothing happened between us, I swear."
"I haven't even asked about yesterday yet."
Her hand tightened around the latte.
Xavier picked it up.
"See? There you go, targeting Rosamond again. After everything she's done for us, you really don't appreciate it?"
The man on the line was still going.
He said a woman had to be sensible, that you couldn't keep playing hard to get in a relationship, that with a temper like mine no one would ever want me.
Xavier sat beside him like he'd finally found someone who could hold me down.
He reached for my hand.
"Listen to your father. You apologize, and yesterday's over and done with."
I looked down at that hand.
The man who used to stand between me and everything now blurred together with the voice on the phone.
I'd wanted to part on good terms.
Right then I didn't want to keep even that last shred of dignity.
I didn't cry.
I just pushed the water cup away and lifted my eyes to look at them.
第4章
"Are you done?"
I asked.
The line went quiet for a second.
Then the man snapped right back into the role of father.
"What kind of attitude is that? Xavier's willing to smooth things over with you, that's him being the bigger person. You apologize to him right now, and then you go back and treat him properly."
I hit the end-call button.
Xavier's face changed.
"How could you hang up on an elder?"
"He's not your father-in-law."
"He will be, sooner or later."
Xavier's tone softened, like those words were enough to put me at ease.
He pushed the necklace box in front of me.
"Yesterday's over. Put it on, let's see how it looks. I'll redo the anniversary with you tonight."
The lid was open, a flower pattern pressed faintly into the velvet.
I didn't touch it.
Rosamond studied my face and let out a soft sigh.
"Astrid, you're just too sensitive. If Xavier really wanted to betray you, why would he let me help pick out your gift? We've been best friends all these years. Do you honestly think I'd steal your boyfriend?"
She finished, then looked at Xavier.
"Since we're already out, let's find somewhere to eat. The anniversary got ruined and that's partly on me. My treat."
Xavier nodded.
"Let's go to that sushi place you love. Last time you said their sea urchin was really good."
Rosamond laughed and touched his arm.
"You still remember?"
"You brought it up a bunch of times. Hard to forget."
The two of them started working out the route.
The sushi place wasn't far from the coffee shop. Rosamond liked window seats, Xavier remembered she didn't eat wasabi, and he remembered she wanted her latte at only a third of the usual sugar.
I sat across from them like a stranger they'd squeezed in at the last minute.
Xavier couldn't even keep track of my period.
I was allergic to seafood, and he'd forgotten that too.
For three years, every time I got upset, the two of them would hand me a punishment. Rosamond made the rules, Xavier played the part of obedience, and I did the job of feeling guilty about being unhappy.
They'd built a game around my emotions.
The more uneasy I got, the more important Rosamond became.
The angrier I got, the more wronged Xavier looked.
And the moment I bowed my head, they each walked away with what they wanted. One got dependence, the other got forgiveness.
"Astrid, what do you feel like eating?" Rosamond finally asked me.
"Anything's fine."
Hearing that, Xavier's shoulders eased.
He thought I'd given in.
"Sushi it is, then. After we eat, I'll drive you back to the dorm. No more scenes today."
I stood up and put on my coat.
Xavier was still looking at the menu, head down.
Rosamond smiled and said, "I knew Astrid could never really stay mad at you."
I picked up my phone and walked out of the coffee shop.
Cold wind poured in at my collar. I zipped up the coat and got onto the bus parked at the curb.
As the doors closed, Xavier's message popped up.
"Where'd you go? We're about to head out."
I opened the chat and typed one line.
"Xavier, we're breaking up. Rosamond, I heard that voice message. I hope the two of you won't have to use my name to meet up anymore."
The message sent.
I didn't wait for a reply.
Messaging app, phone, every social app, I blocked them one by one. I left the group chat we shared and deleted the entire anniversary album.
The last photo was taken last winter.
Rosamond stood between me and Xavier, an arm hooked through each of us. Back then I actually believed this photo held the two most important people in my life.
I pressed delete.
The bus pulled into the station.
I dragged my suitcase into the ticket hall and bought a seat on the next train home.
The announcement in the waiting room came on, telling passengers to start boarding.
Calls from unknown numbers kept flashing on my phone.
I ended every one of them, powered it off, took out the SIM card, and tucked it into the deepest pocket of my backpack.
Once the train started moving, the city lights slid past the window, row after row.
I leaned back against the seat, holding nothing but a ticket home.
This time, I wasn't waiting for anyone.